How to save Pakistan

This is my post on Pakistan and it’s problems and it’s solutions, because if there’s one thing I’ve realized it’s that Pakistanis living abroad are the ones with the real solutions and now I can proudly fit into that category.

Religion –

Secularism and PPP for the win yaar. You see I met BBZ at a nightclub the other day we partied with two hot goris and after we got tired we talked about Pakistan. Because you know BBZ and I care for Pakistan, so we were talking while I drank my virgin pina colada and he drank his virgin martini (we’re two good liberal muslims we don’t drink yaar. Samjha karo)  and we came to the conclusion that you know liberalism is the only way forward I don’t understand how pakistanis don’t understand that yaar. I even wrote a blog post about it and I still can’t believe majority of the pakistanis are confused about it. I thought the 10 percent who have internet access would spread my word but I was wrong. Anyways religion is backward agay chalo yaar aur Liberal ho. After this me and BBZ made flood relief packages for poor sindhi kids. I added uncooked daal and some basmati rice. I don’t know how they’ll cook this uncooked daal and basmati rice but hey if I was a poor kid I would be willing to eat uncooked stuff too you know. Even poor people in pakistan have an attitude these days nashukray kahin kay.

Load-shedding –

Just the other day I decided to charge only one of my 7 electronic devices at one time instead of all of them and save electricity. Then it hit me, if I can save electricity and make daily day to day sacrifices like these why can’t people in Pakistan? They’re responsible for it, so stop moaning Y’all. Learn to make sacrifices. Haramkhors.

Or you know, we could all just get tattoos and stuff to save electricity. Sounds like a much better plan!


Terrorism –

Mangoes and Nightclubs. That’s all we need. Mangoes to increase all that sexual frustration building inside us and nightclubs to release all that sexual frustration that was built up because of eating the resulting mangoes. You’ve never heard of shit going down in Night clubs have you? Think about it, it’s a brilliant idea. You’ll never hear about terrorism again.

Floods –

It’s the army’s fault.


Balochistan –

Write a couple of Op-eds in English Newspapers and the genocide will automatically stop.

Economy –

Open up a couple of Apple stores bitches. Economy problem solved.


Imran Khan –


Education –

Give everyone a laptop and you’ll see how fast they’ll learn. My schools have laptops see how educated I am?

Go easy on the porn Matthew

Awareness –

Create awareness y’all. Because creating awareness is the least we can do. Make those flood relief t-shirts and rock them at your nearest party. Because a cause is only worth taking up if it has a nice t-shirt with it. So create awareness.


Keep this up for 3 weeks and don’t worry we’ll be a first world country once again.

*This is sarcasm/satire or whatever you call it. I’m not actually proposing these solutions haramkhors.

16 thoughts on “How to save Pakistan

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